I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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