You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
