I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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