Do you still have your period?
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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