so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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