Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
