At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
