I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
