Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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