Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
