Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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