We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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