she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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