I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
