I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
