You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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