I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
