After last night, I could never be a politician.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
