I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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