Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
