I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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