weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
