okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
