I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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