Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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