i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize