did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
