its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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