I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
