Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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