as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
