When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
