Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
