didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
