I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
