you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
