she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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