in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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