I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
