hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you will always have a special place in my vag
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
