Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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