Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
