my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
