I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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