If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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