go do what you do best...puke behind churches
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
