You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
