You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize