Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
