She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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