This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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