Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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