Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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