don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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