my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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