I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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