god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
