he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
