4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my vag is so smooth its legendary
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
